Ducky

There were no Christmas cards from the Drilling Expedition this past year. December arrived and we embarked on an ambitious expedition but the month came and went with such a fury and demand that it didn’t allow for much beyond a tree, some lights and gifts with family. And now here we are in April and I'm catching myself thinking the most cliche of thoughts "how did we get here?" Looking back on the last 16 months the entire time feels like December. A deluge of life happening all at once. Luna and I lived and worked and went to school. We saw friends (one of us saw Taylor Swift- I'll let you guess who) and traveled. We ate, we celebrated, we commiserated (I was laid off in June). I started my own consulting business (btw hire me- who needs HR help?) and then in October we did something extremely big. We started the process of welcoming a new member into our family!

I don’t know when the notion got into my head that adopting another child would be a good idea. Maybe it was always the picture in the back of my mind from long ago, when Kevin was still here and we had a plan for our family. As I'm writing this and pathologizing a little, my armchair diagnosis is that the decision like many around family planning was and is a bit of a selfish one. I just wanted to be a mom again. Luna is and always will be a perfect first child. Not in that pressured or stereotypical way, and please trust there is still strife. I just mean being her mom has always been immediately natural and effortless. But I wanted a chance to mother in another way with another person who was different from Luna and maybe different from me and all the other souls that I have loved and mothered in this lifetime. So, Luna and I talked about it for a long time, what it would look like, when it would be right and what she would need before we settled on "yes." And once we decided on yes we made the decision to add a brother. Then I had to check in with my village: mom, auntie, dad- because this would only be possible with their support and effort. Side note: I am amazed (I search for a better word) at anyone who, for any reason, finds themselves raising children alone. Without family or other support this work (cause yes it is work) would not be possible for me financially (hello have you seen the cost of childcare?), emotionally or physically. I simply could not do this without these loving people supporting my little family. I am just so thankful for them everyday.  And then with our experience with Luna and the knowledge that there are so many children waiting for loving families it also felt like adoption from foster care was part of our story so we returned to our beloved social worker Camille to start a new chapter almost 2 years ago.  

So now we get to Z. A kid who is so funny and smart and clever that I am amazed at him on a regular basis. Z moved the first week of December. Because of the foster care system there's a lot about Z that I can't say. Why he's here or what his challenges are. Where he came from or what he's up against. Here's what I can share. He is 7. In the truest sense. He is energy and silliness and sometimes farts. He is race cars and Sonic the hedgehog and video games and bikes and dirt. He is taking things apart (much to my chagrin sometimes) to see how they work and cheeseburgers and jumping and sweet and sometimes extremely sassy. I joke that he's a sour patch kid. He is brave and resilient and so strong in ways that we are all still discovering. He calls me mama and I call him Z, pal, and ducky momo. He has turned our lives around and upside down. We are inside and outside and at the park so much more and things are so different now that I don't even know that I can articulate all the ways. 

I have been quiet about Z's arrival for a lot of reasons. The first one was I was literally drowning in it. The transition was/is hard and the adjustment for all of us was a big one. There were so many days and still are where the three of us are in the thick of trying to figure out how this is going to work and how to care for each other as people and how to allow each other to be human and imperfect. Those who I am closest with have had a chance to meet Z. They have seen the good and the hard of this decision but that stuff is really tough to share beyond this little circle. To tell others that things have not gone perfectly and in fact there have been days when they have gone as badly as a transition could go is just not how we usually share things in this world of perfectly crafted instagrams and Christmas cards. There are so many days where I have questioned my decision, my fitness as a mother to this other little human, how I'm showing up for Luna, what I'm asking of my family. Sharing it here for others to witness, saying it out loud also means that if I fail (which is a possibility that I don't want to acknowledge but is real) it will be for all to see. But I guess that is what this little story of mine has been about- the messy, the ugly, the uncertain, the hopeful, the willing, the loving, all of it together at once. That is the deluge. That is life. That is the expedition.