I have big boobs. I didn't get them until I was in my mid-20's, but we've been together for a good long while now. Once outside of a taco shop after a night out, a guy turned around and loudly proclaimed to me and my best friend (both BTC members), “Chichis Christ!” I've laughed about that moment often, so the Chichi Diaries title was an obvious choice. Chichi's aside, this blog could have just as easily been called: Double Whammy, What in the Actual F&@$, You've Got To Be Kidding Me
or the runner up- The Universe Must Be F*#%ing With Me. Side note: Someone told me once that words with a hard "K" sound are funnier. I wonder if that's why the F-word is so appealing. Anyway, the point being that this blog/story/stream of consciousness is about more than just my chichi cancer, it's about the whole glorious shit-show (sorry mom I know you don't like bad words) of cancer, hope, learning, disappointment, hilariousness and all the many other random things in my little universe. So put on your over the shoulder boulder holder cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Almost 5 months to the day that my husband, Kevin, was diagnosed with stage 4 Glioblastoma Multiforme (GBM) brain cancer, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. That's where "you've got to be kidding me" and "double whammy" comes in. In the days after noticing the lump, forgetting about the lump, finally seeing a PA, waiting another 3 weeks for an ultrasound, mammogram and biopsy and then waiting for results (did I mention this process took a minute?), Kevin and I were sure it was anything but cancer. Kevin already had cancer! No couple could have such bad luck. Right? Wrong?
Side note: I've been told by my husband that I lack sonder. Had a hard time finding a link to define it for you but basically it's an awareness that every person you encounter has a complex and rich life, that they are living, whether or not you realize it. I think it's why I couldn't fathom that anyone else in the world could have couples cancer, although I'm sure they exist. We had only been married for 2 years. We are so young. We had already struggled with infertility and not being able to start a family on our own (another blog post for sure). That in and of itself felt like enough. We had both waited so long for this life- marriage, the house, the family. The vision board (figurative not literal) never included cancer and certainly never couples cancer. Side note: I'm a catastrophist. I come from a long line of people who always imagine the worst. I live the kind of life where I'm sure that in every situation that the absolute worst thing possible will happen. Like I'll fall off the cruise ship, I'll be murdered in my bed, I'll break all my bones while zip-lining. These are not based in logic or reality. Not how catastrophists work. But surprising still that in all of my catastrophizing (sp?) double cancer really never came up.
So here I am a month after diagnosis and about to start chemo. I felt compelled to write some of the thoughts I've had along the way, struggles we've faced and lessons we've learned. I was never very good at being consistent with a diary or journal writing. I'm slightly lazy and too secretive. In fact I started 2019 off with a resolution to start a journal that currently only has 3 entries in it. But now there's couples cancer. And sharing the story definitely feels part of the journey.
or the runner up- The Universe Must Be F*#%ing With Me. Side note: Someone told me once that words with a hard "K" sound are funnier. I wonder if that's why the F-word is so appealing. Anyway, the point being that this blog/story/stream of consciousness is about more than just my chichi cancer, it's about the whole glorious shit-show (sorry mom I know you don't like bad words) of cancer, hope, learning, disappointment, hilariousness and all the many other random things in my little universe. So put on your over the shoulder boulder holder cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Almost 5 months to the day that my husband, Kevin, was diagnosed with stage 4 Glioblastoma Multiforme (GBM) brain cancer, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. That's where "you've got to be kidding me" and "double whammy" comes in. In the days after noticing the lump, forgetting about the lump, finally seeing a PA, waiting another 3 weeks for an ultrasound, mammogram and biopsy and then waiting for results (did I mention this process took a minute?), Kevin and I were sure it was anything but cancer. Kevin already had cancer! No couple could have such bad luck. Right? Wrong?
Side note: I've been told by my husband that I lack sonder. Had a hard time finding a link to define it for you but basically it's an awareness that every person you encounter has a complex and rich life, that they are living, whether or not you realize it. I think it's why I couldn't fathom that anyone else in the world could have couples cancer, although I'm sure they exist. We had only been married for 2 years. We are so young. We had already struggled with infertility and not being able to start a family on our own (another blog post for sure). That in and of itself felt like enough. We had both waited so long for this life- marriage, the house, the family. The vision board (figurative not literal) never included cancer and certainly never couples cancer. Side note: I'm a catastrophist. I come from a long line of people who always imagine the worst. I live the kind of life where I'm sure that in every situation that the absolute worst thing possible will happen. Like I'll fall off the cruise ship, I'll be murdered in my bed, I'll break all my bones while zip-lining. These are not based in logic or reality. Not how catastrophists work. But surprising still that in all of my catastrophizing (sp?) double cancer really never came up.
So here I am a month after diagnosis and about to start chemo. I felt compelled to write some of the thoughts I've had along the way, struggles we've faced and lessons we've learned. I was never very good at being consistent with a diary or journal writing. I'm slightly lazy and too secretive. In fact I started 2019 off with a resolution to start a journal that currently only has 3 entries in it. But now there's couples cancer. And sharing the story definitely feels part of the journey.
love you cousin and you have a lot famliy to call on and we sending lots of paryers your way xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your sharing! You’re a gifted story teller and it’s certainly eye opening to get a glimpse of your personal experience dealing with your own and couples cancer. Sending love and healing thoughts and prayers your way! Mitch
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