There's nothing like a pandemic to make you sit with your feelings. I saw a funny tweet about people absolutely refusing to to be alone with their thoughts and instead feverishly learning how to make bread. Well, I can report that to date I have not, nor do I plan to do any baking of bread. There will be no banana bread in this house! But to (somewhat) keep the analogy going I have been sitting here these past weeks with what I'll call the Grief Sandwich.
8 weeks ago, I didn't know what this lock-down would become. I don't think most of us did. I wasn't prepared for a literal and figurative quarantine. I most definitely had not planned on the grief sandwich or being so alone with my own thoughts. I had just finished radiation and was still physically vulnerable. I locked down a few days early on March 13 thinking this would be a short timeout and then I could get back to it. I had imagined this life after radiation, when I would be officially "done" with being sick. I'd have quality time with family and friends, I'd have my health, I'd have some adventures, I'd be able to enjoy food and wine again (well, I got one thing right). I had lost all of 2019 in so much sickness and sadness. 2020 was finally going to turn the page.
But then covid happened and I was trapped. The great thing about lock-down is that a lot of the noise of life has been removed. The hard thing about lock-down is that a lot of the noise of life has been removed. There have been some distractions- work, netflix, zoom calls, memes. But mostly it's just a lot of me, myself and I. I can't get away from this gal! Even Bill Murray got to interact with people in Groundhog Day. For me there is no Punxsutawney Phil to distract from the thoughts or from the grief. So the grief just sits there, adding another layer, on top of another layer. Until you have a Grief Sandwich. The ingredients include:
The loss of Kevin
The loss of my physical body
The loss of my naivete
The loss of distance from mortality
The loss of my carefree approach to health
The loss of my fertility
The loss of my youth
The loss of my friend Nina
The loss of feeling like I knew what was ahead
The loss of the life I had before
The loss of feeling safe
The loss of getting to be sick with my partner by my side
The loss of normalcy
The loss of freedom to go and do as I please
The loss of connection with family and friends
The loss of ability to start rebuilding a new normal
The loss of starting new when I wanted to
The loss of distraction from my own feelings
I support the lock-down and in many ways I have it easier than some. The moments are not all sad or depressing. But after 61 days my heart hurts, my head hurts, my eyes hurt, my stomach hurts (that might be the wine and oreos) and I just want to be done. I want to be done with this grief sandwich.
8 weeks ago, I didn't know what this lock-down would become. I don't think most of us did. I wasn't prepared for a literal and figurative quarantine. I most definitely had not planned on the grief sandwich or being so alone with my own thoughts. I had just finished radiation and was still physically vulnerable. I locked down a few days early on March 13 thinking this would be a short timeout and then I could get back to it. I had imagined this life after radiation, when I would be officially "done" with being sick. I'd have quality time with family and friends, I'd have my health, I'd have some adventures, I'd be able to enjoy food and wine again (well, I got one thing right). I had lost all of 2019 in so much sickness and sadness. 2020 was finally going to turn the page.
But then covid happened and I was trapped. The great thing about lock-down is that a lot of the noise of life has been removed. The hard thing about lock-down is that a lot of the noise of life has been removed. There have been some distractions- work, netflix, zoom calls, memes. But mostly it's just a lot of me, myself and I. I can't get away from this gal! Even Bill Murray got to interact with people in Groundhog Day. For me there is no Punxsutawney Phil to distract from the thoughts or from the grief. So the grief just sits there, adding another layer, on top of another layer. Until you have a Grief Sandwich. The ingredients include:
The loss of Kevin
The loss of my physical body
The loss of my naivete
The loss of distance from mortality
The loss of my carefree approach to health
The loss of my fertility
The loss of my youth
The loss of my friend Nina
The loss of feeling like I knew what was ahead
The loss of the life I had before
The loss of feeling safe
The loss of getting to be sick with my partner by my side
The loss of normalcy
The loss of freedom to go and do as I please
The loss of connection with family and friends
The loss of ability to start rebuilding a new normal
The loss of starting new when I wanted to
The loss of distraction from my own feelings
I support the lock-down and in many ways I have it easier than some. The moments are not all sad or depressing. But after 61 days my heart hurts, my head hurts, my eyes hurt, my stomach hurts (that might be the wine and oreos) and I just want to be done. I want to be done with this grief sandwich.
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