Come Fly With Me

May is Brain Cancer Awareness month. It still surprises me a little that brain cancer and Glioblastoma are a part of my story. Brain cancer is the worst but in between the hard and awful moments are moments of love, laughter and even sometimes joy. I wanted to share a quick story about it.

Two years ago in May, Kevin and I had just returned from Austin. It would be his last Drilling Expedition as we called them. His last time to to fly, to travel, to explore. The trip was hard. Traveling with Kevin anywhere at this stage was hard. He could still walk but his gate was unsteady. His brain was having a hard time remembering to tell his body how to function. We had to travel with change clothes, insulin, a cooler, a walker and so many other things. The trip was only possible because my father in law Greg came with us. 

If I had taken a step back (which I couldn't at the time- I was in the thick of it and at every step just kept adjusting to my new normal) I would have been able to see all of the small ways that Kevin was becoming less Kevin and all the big ways he was trying so hard to still be Kevin. I started the trip crying silently on the flight as Kevin deleted every text, photo and email he had ever received. The compulsion he felt couldn't be stopped and there was no logic or argument that we might need those messages in the future that was compelling enough for him. Now that I look back it was almost as if his brain was forcing him to start severing ties with all of the minutiae of this physical world. But in the moment you don't realize any of that. You panic and react. You see your smart and logical husband behaving absurdly and it's frustrating and frightening and so you cry. 

The trip was not all hard and even with the tough moments it was worth it. We saw sites and ate our share of bbq, donuts, ice cream and tex mex- diabetes be dammed! We saw a comedy show, he fed squirrels (rabies be dammed), we waited for the bats (that barely came out that night, rude!). We went to museums and the capital and toured our hearts out. We had one last marvelous Drilling expedition. When we landed back in San Diego and stood up to exit, Kevin, still being the extremely kind and tall person he was spied a lady behind us struggling to get her bag down. I don't know if he forgot for a second about the tumor and all his physical limitations or if his helpfulness was just so instinctual that it overrode everything else. He helped the woman and managed to get her bag down, but unfortunately for him he went down with the bag. A mix of pride, incredulousness, worry and frustration washed over me as the flight attendants and another passenger helped me to get him up.  We were home but our travels were not yet at the end.  

May is Brain Cancer Awareness month and it's the last time Kevin and I came back from a trip. I would not wish the juxtaposition on anyone. I would not trade in these memories for anything. 

Photo by Kornél Máhl on Unsplash